I am none of these things...I have Lyme Disease.

Wow...I am truly amazed how much time has passed since I wrote here. I suppose that is the way of things with so much happening....or not (lol).

 So I have made it through my first week of treatment and herxing. Barely. Herxing to the uninitiated is the god awful reaction of the body to the massive die off of Lyme bacteria and the neurotoxins this dumps into the body. It is a never ending cycle of killing the bacteria and detoxing the poisons. The general theory is that this takes years, the longer you have had Lyme running rampant through every system in your body, the longer it takes. The process is actually rather familiar to me as I have done it over & over in my life unknowingly, just thinking these several times a year that I was SICK. More than normal anyway.
 My Dr after rethinking my treatment actually asked me to cut the original dose he recommended in 1/2 for the first week, fearing that the reaction would be much too intense. I am grateful! Actually at the end of the first day I was running around like a crazy person cleaning the ENTIRE house, doing stuff I haven't had energy to do in months and getting more than a little anxious about any lack of reaction. It was terrifying to have come this far and still not be 100% positive. Lyme is a clinical diagnosis and like a lot of people my blood tests came back negative. Had a clear MRI as well...which is great as at least it ruled out having developed MS from Lyme. But also scary when I've had seizures and other neurological stuffs. By the end of the second night and nothing, I upped the dose and about 5 hours later I was pretty sure I was dying. Lol. I went back to 1/2 the next morning... I have time and am not in any hurry, I discovered, to feel that HORRIBLE. The next two days left me with pretty much no doubt that I have Late Stage Lyme Disease. I have oscillated wildly between relief, anger, crushing sadness and hope since then.

 My main though at this point is how EVIL this disease is. As any of you who are familiar with Lyme or happened to watch Jesse Ventura's show on Plum Island know, there is irrefutable documented evidence that Lyme was man made. We have our government to thank for that, after importing  former Nazi scientists specializing in tick & mosquito borne diseases to work for us in bio warfare research. Plum Island is just a small skip across the water from Lyme,CT where this disease was first documented and named. You see the word INSIDIOUS used often when referring to Lyme, and with good reason. They created a disease that is debilitating... attacks any and every part of the body, often cripples the bearer, causes innumerable complications, comes with tremendous amounts of anxiety written into it and a doorway to the darkest places of depression imaginable. It is incredibly difficult to diagnose and even more complicated to treat. It is the most political and massively misunderstood disease in this country. Chronic Lyme is not even accepted by the medical community  and is ILLEGAL in most states for DR's to treat as they see fit. It is unbelievably expensive to diagnose & treat and unaccepted by insurance companies.So many thousands of souls across this country and the planet cannot get treatment and are suffering and dying! Not to mention that what treatment protocol's have been established are nearly BARBARIC! A never ending cycle of killing the bacteria and trying to support the body through absolute hell. Suicide is very common in the Lyme community..very, very understandably.

 So while my personal thoughts are in knowing and accepting having this fucking thing and TRUSTING in that is taking me forwards always forwards...I am having trouble believing that this is THE WAY out. I am in denial only that this suffering is the way to heal. I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS. I have been on a path of  learning alternative  medicine, spirituality, consciousness and the miraculous since I was very young. I have studied our energy systems, long known to the Chinese and India for thousands of years, my whole life. I KNOW there is a much bigger picture when it comes to health & disease than our symptom obsessive fear based Western Medicine tells us. It is my intention to seek out these answers, for myself and others. To find as better way to wholeness..because this is  UNACCEPTABLE.

to be continued...

rewriting past judgements & misconceptions.................


 I am weak, I am lazy, I'm oversensitive,  I need to get out of the house more, I'm a whiner, I am afraid of life, that I'm too sick all the time, that  I have phobias, I'm selfish I complain too much,  that  you don't believe in me, I'm a flake, a quitter, that I won't do what I say I will, the problem is in my head, I just need to learn how to think right, I just need to take better care of myself, I just need a job or a hobby, I just need to regulate my sleep cycle, I just need to change my life, I need to learn how to be happy, no matter where you go there you are, that I need to stop running away from things, that maybe I'm HIV positive, that I've done a crappy job of trying to find out what is wrong, that I just need to try harder, that I just need to have willingness, that I haven't faced life head on, that it's my fault my husband left me, that I'm negative, that I just need to jump in,  that you're disappointed in me and  tired of me....


I AM NONE OF THESE THINGS. I HAVE LYME DISEASE.