God I love that phrase. How apropos, as I wait now in the twilight of my unknowing. Only a little bit longer to ANSWERS.... hopefully, many many many answers. I feel frozen; to talk about any of this...to make forward plans... to decide how I feel about anything... even to tell my damn therapist too much. Lol. The waiting is so much harder than I ever would have thought... I mean, my god, it's not like this just started...what's another week or two? Mentally I can work myself out of it, emotionally...not so much, lol.
I'm alllll over the place this last week. Up down sideways. Everything makes me cry. One day everything is beautiful...the future shining. The next it's all shit and I can't imagine this ever ending. Often after a few days of feeling good and pushing myself, I wake the next morning feeling perfectly human...within an hour or so I start to feel my self go dooooown. I termed this the other day 'Crumbling'. I start gettin that 'wrong' feeling, then my joints or nerves start screaming...my head space goes to hell and it doesn't take long after that for my faith to start slipping. This week I am tired of being me.
The fun new addition in the last few days is searing arthritis pain in my left sacroiliac joint (I had to look that up, been 20yrs since I took anatomy...I was pretty sure it was a real thing lol). I'm glad I'm not in public much as i do a lot of gasping when I move suddenly. I feel old beyond words this week... my life has already lasted forever. I'm vaguely confused pretty often...I have to concentrate so hard to do such normal things. Sometimes I feel my brain just stop working...like a wall has been erected between what I know & how I can process it. Words don't mean anything for a moment or two...or I can't react in what feels like normal time to something. Sometimes my words don't come out right...or at all. Tonight was the worst that has been yet.
I felt great all day. Working hard at organizing photos, deleting everything tryin to clear my hard drive out since Jordan the kind computer wizard said this was the issue.
(As a matter of fact, I have worked so diligently at this over the last 4 days, I am writing this at MY OWN COMPUTER! It's actually letting me online...this is a first in the 4 mo's I've been here...crazy, I know.)
Mid afternoon I started crumbling. I was extra pissed 'cause I thought maybe I had a free pass today. But... you push on. By early evening it was bad..I thought maybe a major storm was a' comin. This could potentially have me on the couch twitching like a fish out of water until it calms down. But that didn't happen. Instead I was sitting at my computer when I started feeling really strange, like my brain was partitioning. I was trying to wait & see what was happening when Chris came in and I found I couldn't speak. It was like a giant metal door had slammed in my mind. I could think about speaking..I knew HOW to do it...I just couldn't get anything out. It felt like my mind had separated from my mouth...like my mouth couldn't remember. I think it only lasted four or five minutes but it scared the shit out of both of us. Lol. Jaysus, as they say in Paddyland.
So anyways. Tomorrow is a new day. And in case any of you are wondering, medically speaking, I'm ALL over it. I've studied everything I possibly can for the time being, know allllll there is to know about Lyme. And I'm in good hands. It's no accident that the Universe got me up here to the Lyme capitol of the world! I've found an amazing clinic that deals only in alternative methods. They work with people who have cancer and MS and the like whom have given up on or been failed by traditional Western medicine. I feel very strongly I'm in the right place. More about this later!
"Reality is something we rise above." Liza Minnelli
to be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment